What Self-Love Really Looks Like
The lack of self-love in humanity today is a global epidemic. Many cultures, societies, and religions have improperly conditioned their children to focus on the needs of others while partially or even completely neglecting their own needs. Therefore, instead of teaching self-love to ourselves and our children, we have encouraged a culture of self-neglect and self-abandonment. This has caused the wellbeing of the entire world to be diminished, resulting in unnecessary exhaustion, pain, and suffering for us all.
In order to change this dismal state we find humanity in, we must choose to be different, starting with ourselves. We must choose to consciously love ourselves above everyone else so that we can secure both wellness for ourselves and the resulting capacity to help others as well.
The truth is that most people don’t even know what self-love really looks like. So many of us, like myself, were raised in religions or cultures that not only failed to prioritize self-love, but also often misrepresented it even when they mentioned it. However, true self-love is strong, self-protective, just, and consistent–not lazy, comfortable, self-delusional, and self-neglectful like some would suggest. Because very few people have seen self-love demonstrated by their parents, peers, cultures, or religions, I am going to provide some examples of what self-love really looks like, organized by different categories below:
Examples of True Self-Love
Self-Love with Diet
Isn’t:
Giving yourself permission to eat tasty, unhealthy food all of the time–this is self-abuse.
Malnourishing yourself to lose weight or eating junk food to gain weight–this is self-abuse.
Choosing to accept unhealthy body fat levels, either excessively lean or obese–this is self-abandonment
Is:
Giving yourself permission to occasionally eat tasty, unhealthy food as a reward for eating healthy food most of the time.
Eating healthy, nutrient-rich foods with reasonable calorie deficits and surpluses (500kcal or less) while losing or gaining weight.
Choosing to maintain healthy body fat levels based upon one’s sex and age.
Self-Love with Exercise
Isn’t:
Training excessively or abusing your body to achieve self-punishment, performance, or aesthetic goals–this is self-abuse.
Forcing yourself to train in a way you hate–this is self-punishment and a lack of self-consideration
Is:
Training with enough consistency, intensity, and duration to heal old injuries, strengthen your body, and improve your overall health and fitness, but not so much that you’re picking up too many injuries and are unable to properly recover.
Finding a way to train that you enjoy (or is at least the most preferable if you don’t like exercise) that is both effective at improving your health and sustainable.
Self-Love with Career
Isn’t:
Giving up on your dreams and desires–this is self-abandonment.
Tolerating abuse from bosses or collegues–this is self-abandonment.
Doing the type of work that others expect you to do–this is self-abandonment.
Is:
Doing your best to find a way to fulfill your dreams, even if it’s only on the side or it requires an inconvenient transition.
Respectfully confronting any abuse and changing workplaces if necessary.
Doing the type of work that is the best for you that you want to do.
Self-Love with Relationships
Isn’t:
Tolerating abuse, disrespect, or mistreatment–this is self-abandonment and a lack of self-respect and self-worth.
Tolerating one-sided relationships, neglect, or a lack of reasonable prioritization–this is a lack of self-respect and self-worth.
Accepting relationships with people who aren’t good for you because you’re desperate for love and validation–this is self-abandonment, self-devaluation, and a lack of self-worth.
Being nice and hiding your true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict–this is self-rejection, disrespect for the other person, and the promotion of an emotionally-unsafe and false relationship.
Is:
Confronting abuse, disrespect, and mistreatment and requiring genuine apologies and attempts at relational repair, and if both aren’t received, terminating the relationship after several failed chances.
Having reasonable expectations for the people in your life and if they don’t meet them, replacing those relationships with people who actually value and prioritize you in their life.
Being willing to be alone until you find people who treat you properly and choosing to give yourself the love and validation you desire from yourself first.
Showing respect for yourself and the other person by expressing your true thoughts and feelings to them, ensuring an emotionally-safe environment for authentic self-expression, and promoting a real, genuine relationship.
Self-Love with Sleep
Isn’t:
Sleep depriving yourself OR oversleeping all of the time OR never allowing yourself to sleep in or take naps–these are self-abuse, self-abandonment, and a lack of self-care respectively.
Is:
Maintaining a healthy sleep schedule so that you guarantee plenty of quality sleep and have a disciplined life, while also allowing yourself to occasionally sleep in or take naps when you feel like you need the extra rest.
Self-Love with Sex
Isn’t:
Ignoring, diminishing, or rejecting your sexual needs and desires because of sexual shame–this is self-neglect from toxic beliefs about sexuality that started in your childhood.
Having less sexual activity than would be ideal for your wellbeing because it’s inconvenient for you or your partner(s) –this is self-neglect.
Choosing not to masturbate when your partner isn’t available–this is self-neglect and potentially sexual shame.
Is:
Exploring your sexual needs and desires freely and openly, both on your own and with your partner(s) if you have any, and discarding any sexual shame.
Having quality sexual activity at a frequency that maintains both sexual satisfaction and peace for yourself.
Prioritizing both solo and partnered sex because both have a place in a fulfilling sex life.
Self-Love with Truth
Isn’t:
Lying to yourself to stay comfortable and avoid growth–this is self-disrespect and self-abandonment
Suppressing your truth to make others comfortable–this is self-rejection and self-devaluation.
Is:
Being honest with yourself about what is true about yourself, others, and reality so that you can improve yourself, navigate relationships with others in a healthy way, and live your life for what really matters instead of wasting your limited time and energy on things that aren’t true, real, or worthwhile.
Respectfully standing up for what you know to be true and moral, even when others disagree with you.
Self-Love with Self-Care
Isn’t:
Failing to→brush your teeth twice a day, floss once a day, eat quality food when your blood sugar is dropping, take regular showers, groom yourself well, or dress with dignity–these failings are evidence of self-neglect and a lack of self-respect.
Failing to get outside and spend time in the sun–this is self-neglect
Allowing the needs of others to continually push aside your needs–this is self-neglect and self-abandonment.
Is:
Establishing a routine to guarantee that your body is properly taken care of every day.
Regularly prioritizing time outside whenever possible because fresh air and sunlight are essential for emotional and physical wellness.
Prioritizing your needs while only taking care of those for whom you’re responsible and maybe anyone YOU have chosen to give kindness from a place of love and not obligation.
Will You Choose to Love Yourself?
I hope that these examples have inspired you to love yourself more in everything you do. Whenever you’re making decisions, ask yourself, “What would be the self-loving thing to do?” and then DO IT! Stop making excuses to justify neglecting, abusing, abandoning, devaluing, disrespecting, rejecting, harming, hating, and shaming yourself and choose to love yourself instead!
You need to be honest with yourself, because if you keep choosing to neglect yourself despite understanding what self-love looks like, then you don’t love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself, it’s probably because your parents didn’t love you (or themselves) in a healthy way. And if this is the case, if you value yourself at all, you need to make a conscious decision to love yourself consistently anyway, even if you don’t feel like it, even if you think you don’t deserve it, because no one else can do it for you.
If you’ve been looking for love from others or religion, you’ve been looking in the wrong place. You need to find love within yourself, and the beauty of it is that anyone can choose to love themselves. You only have to make the commitment to yourself to do it.
It’s up to you. Are you going to love yourself in a way that probably no one else ever has for you? If so, congratulations because your life is about to change for the better! However, if you’re hesitating to love yourself, you need to figure out why and resolve it. I highly recommend hiring a coach or a therapist to help you understand yourself better and move towards self-love; but, even if you don’t get professional help, you still need to ask yourself why you’ve accepted a life of self-neglect. Just know that everyone deserves love and that you’re no exception.
It’s time to live your life for YOU and to become the healthiest version of yourself. However, you can only do that by consistently choosing to practice self-love.
