What Self-Love Really Looks Like
The lack of self-love in humanity today is a global epidemic. Many cultures, societies, and religions have improperly conditioned their children to focus on the needs of others while partially or even completely neglecting their own needs. Therefore, instead of teaching self-love to ourselves and our children, we have encouraged a culture of self-neglect and self-abandonment. This has caused the wellbeing of the entire world to be diminished, resulting in unnecessary exhaustion, pain, and suffering for us all.
In order to change this dismal state we find humanity in, we must choose to be different, starting with ourselves. We must choose to consciously love ourselves above everyone else so that we can secure both wellness for ourselves and the resulting capacity to help others as well.
The truth is that most people don’t even know what self-love really looks like. So many of us, like myself, were raised in religions or cultures that not only failed to prioritize self-love, but also often misrepresented it even when they mentioned it. However, true self-love is strong, self-protective, just, and consistent–not lazy, comfortable, self-delusional, and self-neglectful like some would suggest. Because very few people have seen self-love demonstrated by their parents, peers, cultures, or religions, I am going to provide some examples of what self-love really looks like, organized by different categories below:
Examples of True Self-Love
Self-Love with Diet
Isn’t:
Giving yourself permission to eat tasty, unhealthy food all of the time–this is self-abuse.
Malnourishing yourself to lose weight or eating junk food to gain weight–this is self-abuse.
Choosing to accept unhealthy body fat levels, either excessively lean or obese–this is self-abandonment
Is:
Giving yourself permission to occasionally eat tasty, unhealthy food as a reward for eating healthy food most of the time.
Eating healthy, nutrient-rich foods with reasonable calorie deficits and surpluses (500kcal or less) while losing or gaining weight.
Choosing to maintain healthy body fat levels based upon one’s sex and age.
Self-Love with Exercise
Isn’t:
Training excessively or abusing your body to achieve self-punishment, performance, or aesthetic goals–this is self-abuse.
Forcing yourself to train in a way you hate–this is self-punishment and a lack of self-consideration
Is:
Training with enough consistency, intensity, and duration to heal old injuries, strengthen your body, and improve your overall health and fitness, but not so much that you’re picking up too many injuries and are unable to properly recover.
Finding a way to train that you enjoy (or is at least the most preferable if you don’t like exercise) that is both effective at improving your health and sustainable.
Self-Love with Career
Isn’t:
Giving up on your dreams and desires–this is self-abandonment.
Tolerating abuse from bosses or collegues–this is self-abandonment.
Doing the type of work that others expect you to do–this is self-abandonment.
Is:
Doing your best to find a way to fulfill your dreams, even if it’s only on the side or it requires an inconvenient transition.
Respectfully confronting any abuse and changing workplaces if necessary.
Doing the type of work that is the best for you that you want to do.
Self-Love with Relationships
Isn’t:
Tolerating abuse, disrespect, or mistreatment–this is self-abandonment and a lack of self-respect and self-worth.
Tolerating one-sided relationships, neglect, or a lack of reasonable prioritization–this is a lack of self-respect and self-worth.
Accepting relationships with people who aren’t good for you because you’re desperate for love and validation–this is self-abandonment, self-devaluation, and a lack of self-worth.
Being nice and hiding your true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict–this is self-rejection, disrespect for the other person, and the promotion of an emotionally-unsafe and false relationship.
Is:
Confronting abuse, disrespect, and mistreatment and requiring genuine apologies and attempts at relational repair, and if both aren’t received, terminating the relationship after several failed chances.
Having reasonable expectations for the people in your life and if they don’t meet them, replacing those relationships with people who actually value and prioritize you in their life.
Being willing to be alone until you find people who treat you properly and choosing to give yourself the love and validation you desire from yourself first.
Showing respect for yourself and the other person by expressing your true thoughts and feelings to them, ensuring an emotionally-safe environment for authentic self-expression, and promoting a real, genuine relationship.
Self-Love with Sleep
Isn’t:
Sleep depriving yourself OR oversleeping all of the time OR never allowing yourself to sleep in or take naps–these are self-abuse, self-abandonment, and a lack of self-care respectively.
Is:
Maintaining a healthy sleep schedule so that you guarantee plenty of quality sleep and have a disciplined life, while also allowing yourself to occasionally sleep in or take naps when you feel like you need the extra rest.
Self-Love with Sex
Isn’t:
Ignoring, diminishing, or rejecting your sexual needs and desires because of sexual shame–this is self-neglect from toxic beliefs about sexuality that started in your childhood.
Having less sexual activity than would be ideal for your wellbeing because it’s inconvenient for you or your partner(s) –this is self-neglect.
Choosing not to masturbate when your partner isn’t available–this is self-neglect and potentially sexual shame.
Is:
Exploring your sexual needs and desires freely and openly, both on your own and with your partner(s) if you have any, and discarding any sexual shame.
Having quality sexual activity at a frequency that maintains both sexual satisfaction and peace for yourself.
Prioritizing both solo and partnered sex because both have a place in a fulfilling sex life.
Self-Love with Truth
Isn’t:
Lying to yourself to stay comfortable and avoid growth–this is self-disrespect and self-abandonment
Suppressing your truth to make others comfortable–this is self-rejection and self-devaluation.
Is:
Being honest with yourself about what is true about yourself, others, and reality so that you can improve yourself, navigate relationships with others in a healthy way, and live your life for what really matters instead of wasting your limited time and energy on things that aren’t true, real, or worthwhile.
Respectfully standing up for what you know to be true and moral, even when others disagree with you.
Self-Love with Self-Care
Isn’t:
Failing to→brush your teeth twice a day, floss once a day, eat quality food when your blood sugar is dropping, take regular showers, groom yourself well, or dress with dignity–these failings are evidence of self-neglect and a lack of self-respect.
Failing to get outside and spend time in the sun–this is self-neglect
Allowing the needs of others to continually push aside your needs–this is self-neglect and self-abandonment.
Is:
Establishing a routine to guarantee that your body is properly taken care of every day.
Regularly prioritizing time outside whenever possible because fresh air and sunlight are essential for emotional and physical wellness.
Prioritizing your needs while only taking care of those for whom you’re responsible and maybe anyone YOU have chosen to give kindness from a place of love and not obligation.
Will You Choose to Love Yourself?
I hope that these examples have inspired you to love yourself more in everything you do. Whenever you’re making decisions, ask yourself, “What would be the self-loving thing to do?” and then DO IT! Stop making excuses to justify neglecting, abusing, abandoning, devaluing, disrespecting, rejecting, harming, hating, and shaming yourself and choose to love yourself instead!
You need to be honest with yourself, because if you keep choosing to neglect yourself despite understanding what self-love looks like, then you don’t love yourself. And if you don’t love yourself, it’s probably because your parents didn’t love you (or themselves) in a healthy way. And if this is the case, if you value yourself at all, you need to make a conscious decision to love yourself consistently anyway, even if you don’t feel like it, even if you think you don’t deserve it, because no one else can do it for you.
If you’ve been looking for love from others or religion, you’ve been looking in the wrong place. You need to find love within yourself, and the beauty of it is that anyone can choose to love themselves. You only have to make the commitment to yourself to do it.
It’s up to you. Are you going to love yourself in a way that probably no one else ever has for you? If so, congratulations because your life is about to change for the better! However, if you’re hesitating to love yourself, you need to figure out why and resolve it. I highly recommend hiring a coach or a therapist to help you understand yourself better and move towards self-love; but, even if you don’t get professional help, you still need to ask yourself why you’ve accepted a life of self-neglect. Just know that everyone deserves love and that you’re no exception.
It’s time to live your life for YOU and to become the healthiest version of yourself. However, you can only do that by consistently choosing to practice self-love.
An Atheist’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Transformation
Growing up in a conservative Christian home, I noticed that lasting transformation rarely happened despite constantly being discussed. I observed how the same people had the same problems, years and even decades later, myself included. As I grew into my early twenties and my problems with emotional regulation and mental illness worsened, I developed a personal interest in psychology as I tried to heal myself. From then until now, I’ve noticed that most people who achieve any real, lasting change do so through the principles of modern psychology, not religion. While religion usually encourages people to transform through prayer and surrender to a higher power, those who actually change do so through personal, internal transformation. Even among the religious people I’ve personally known, the ones who have achieved significant growth and lasting change have almost always had a hybrid life philosophy, combining their religious ideals with an understanding of modern psychology. I’ve noticed that those who rely upon religion alone often stay stuck in their problems, especially those with mental and emotional problems. They often mistake their intention to change for being actual change. Therefore, real, lasting transformation comes not through religious practice as some would think, but instead through an intentional, honest encounter with oneself. Also, anyone can do it, regardless of religious preference or life philosophy. That being said, I’m now going to share with you how to achieve real transformation from the perspective of an atheist, starting with the two pathways to change.
The Two Pathways to Change
The Path of External Discipline – Forcing Change
There are two pathways to change: The most common and ineffective path is through external discipline and the less common and more permanent path is through internal transformation. Most people choose the first, often not realizing that the second option is even available. Modern society teaches people that the key to change or growth is to just try harder, to force yourself to be who you want to be or to do what you want to do. This path of trying to force behavioral change is also the one that religion often tries to use. Religious people pray to their gods to help them change and when their prayers inevitably never get answered, they then try to force themselves to change to convince themselves that their prayers were answered. Instead of achieving real transformation, they’ve only forced a temporary change. In the same way, non-religious people also do this same thing, assuming that the only path to change is to fight to be different. As a result, they regularly wonder as well why they can never maintain the change they’ve worked so hard to achieve through discipline. Therefore, everyone on this path either ends up abandoning their goals for transformation OR deluding themselves into believing they’ve achieved real change when they actually haven’t. So what’s the alternative to never getting anywhere with external discipline? The answer is internal transformation.
The Path of Internal Transformation – Being Change
One can only achieve lasting change through internal transformation. When someone tries to force change on the outside without transforming on the inside, they end up constantly fighting against who they are on the inside. That’s why external discipline never lasts–it has no sustainable source on the inside! What you’re really doing is attempting to constantly override your internal self over and over until you exhaust yourself and collapse into being who you really are on the inside right now. Because of this, the inside always eventually shows on the outside. You might be able to act differently than how you really feel internally for a while, but eventually, your inside world will become your outside world again. However, if you recognize this pattern of constantly fighting yourself and burning out, you can change the game in your favor. By identifying the internal source of your behavior and using this knowledge to transform your inner self, your outward self will automatically align! You will no longer have to constantly fight against your inner self to achieve the outer self you want because your inner self and your outward goals will be the same! Therefore, the key to achieving real transformation is to change who you are on the inside so that you can naturally and permanently express your new self on the outside. The reality is that the results you’ve been getting have always been a reflection of who you are on the inside. You may be able to temporarily fake change on the outside, but you will always eventually return to living in alignment with who you are on the inside. Therefore, the only path to sustainable outward transformation is living in alignment with a transformed inner self.
The Three Steps to Achieving Internal Transformation
Step 1 – Acknowledge the Problem and Take Responsibility for It
So the question is, “How do I achieve internal transformation so that the external change flows automatically?” I’m glad you asked, because this is where the real work of transformation begins. Instead of trying to force yourself to change on the outside, you’re going to take a deeper, honest look at yourself on the inside. Begin by acknowledging the problem you have and taking responsibility for it. Maybe you have a problem with a relationship, your work, or your health. Maybe you’re not happy with who you are or you keep falling into the same behavioral patterns over and over again. Whatever it is, just acknowledge the problem and accept that it is your responsibility to resolve it. If you get this far, you’ve already made it further than most people because it’s uncomfortable to admit that YOU are at least part of the problem. Without being willing to acknowledge your responsibility in creating this problem in your life, you will get nowhere. Therefore, you must accept that you need to change to solve your problem. Don’t worry about what others in your life are doing because you aren’t responsible for their actions, nor can you control what they do anyway. You are only responsible for yourself and can only control what you do.
Step 2 – Be Honest with Yourself about the Problem’s Origin
Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you keep having this problem: Why do I keep doing this? Why am I acting this way? What is motivating me to continue in this pattern? These questions will help you determine the internal source of your problem. Don’t let excuses or blaming other people get in the way of digging deeper into yourself. Instead, you must be honest with yourself and ask yourself, “What is wrong with ME that is making these issues continually surface in my life?” Without the humility to admit that you’re at least part of the problem, you will get stuck here and be unable to find the root cause of your issue. However, if you choose humility and are willing to receive constructive criticism from yourself, you will eventually get an uncomfortable, but powerful answer to your question. This answer is going to tell you something about yourself that you’ve probably been trying to bury, repress, or deny for a long time because you haven’t wanted to face it until now. However, you’ve known this truth deep down for a long time, haven’t you? So the next question to ask is, “Do I actually want to take responsibility for this issue and work to change it, or do I want to take the easy route and stay the same?” Be honest with yourself, because if you don’t really want to change, it’s better to accept the results you’ve always gotten because nothing is going to change. However, if you do want to change, it’s time for you to start intentionally creating an internal shift that will transform your life forever.
Step 3 – Replace the Problem’s Origin with Healthier Alternatives
The third and final step to achieving internal transformation is to start replacing the old values, beliefs, and ways of interacting with yourself that have been compromising your goals with new ones that will naturally facilitate the transformation you seek. While this process is much more involved than I have time to communicate with you in this article, sometimes these things can be processed and solved on your own and other times you will need the help of a coach or therapist to understand yourself better and create the change you’re seeking. But for now, I’m going to give you the three foundations of inner transformation upon which all lasting change is built. With these three concepts intentionally applied to your life, you will be able to create tremendous change for yourself, even if you choose not to seek guidance from a professional.
The Three Foundations of Internal Transformation
#1 Self-Respect – Keeping Your Promises and Following Your Leadership
Oftentimes, the only thing getting in the way of achieving lasting change and transformation in our lives is a lack of self-respect. We make promises to ourselves that we don’t keep and decide to do things and then fail to move on them. In my own life, I realized that while I would keep promises that I made to others, I kept failing to keep promises that I made to myself. When I started to think about this and be honest with myself, I found it ridiculous that I valued upholding the honor of my word to someone else but would regularly choose to dishonor my word to myself. My lack of self-respect was causing me to only follow through on commitments that I made to others instead of the promises that I made to myself.
Besides failing to respect my promises to myself, I also regularly failed to follow my own leadership. When someone else in authority told me to do something, I would immediately do it, respecting their leadership. However, when I told myself to do something, I resisted my own authority and procrastinated like a lazy, disrespectful employee. In the workforce, this behavior might get you fired, but when you disrespect yourself this way, you just suffer the consequences of ignoring your inner wisdom and rightfully start losing respect for yourself. When I finally started demanding the same respect for myself that I had always given to any other authority, THAT is when my life really started to change. When I made promises to myself, I started keeping them. When I told myself to do something, I started complying immediately without resistance or procrastination.
#2 Self-Love – Doing What is Best for Yourself and Giving Yourself the Life You’ve Always Wanted
Self-love doesn’t mean lazing around, doing nothing, putting in minimal effort into your life, or otherwise going easy on yourself. Instead, self-love means doing what is best for yourself and giving yourself the life you’ve always wanted, even when it’s HARD. In other words, when you choose to love yourself, you stop neglecting yourself and settling for less. In my life before transformation, instead of doing what was best for me, I often did whatever was easiest. I also regularly avoided my fears and did the bare minimum to get by. Lastly, I consistently chose weakness and avoidance for myself instead of strength and courage. Instead of determining what would be good for me and doing it even if it was hard or uncomfortable, I kept choosing to neglect and abandon myself because I didn’t love myself enough to do anything differently.
I also had given up on my dreams because all of them seemed either too difficult or too scary. For a long time, I chose to give into my anxiety because I didn’t love myself enough to raise the courage necessary to conquer it. I always knew I wanted more, but I never loved myself enough to be honest with myself and figure out what was wrong with me. Instead, I kept supporting the successes of others because it was easier to be a part of someone else’s journey than it was to walk my own. I had given up on myself. However, all of this changed one day when I chose to love myself the way no one else ever had. I started holding myself accountable to treat myself with love in everything I did, from how I talked to myself, to how I took care of myself, to how I let other people treat me. Choosing to love myself started out as a commitment that I didn’t always feel like doing, but over time, it became a natural way of being. Now, I do my best to love myself in everything I think and do. As a result, this commitment to self-love has transformed almost everything in my life. I am now living MY life for ME and am finally giving myself the life I’ve always wanted. Therefore, letting go of the expectations of others and taking back my life for myself like this was only possible through self-love.
#3 Self-Worth – Tolerating Less and Working to Transform
Once I started treating myself with respect and love, my self-worth started to rise and I began noticing how much disrespect and lack of love I had been tolerating from both myself and others my whole life. I also saw how I had been allowing people to neglect me and use me for their benefit in one-sided relationships without reciprocating anything of value in return. Many of them had been drawn to me because I previously lacked boundaries and would allow them to manipulate me to meet only their needs. As a result, I had spent my entire life feeling drained and neglected by them because I had never prioritized my own wellness instead. However, as I continued to practice self-love and self-respect, I eventually decided that I had been tolerating far too much from them and that I deserved better. Because I finally believed that I was worthy of being treated better, I started setting boundaries, holding people accountable, and ending relationships that weren’t good for me.
In addition to tolerating less and expecting more from the people in my life, I also realized that I was worth putting in the effort to transform both myself and my life. Most people know that transformation and a better life is possible, but because of a lack of self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, they rarely put in the effort to change their life and that is why they keep getting the same results. However, as a person’s self-worth rises and they realize that they are worth the effort of changing and living a better life, transformation finally becomes possible. No one else in my life had placed that level of worth in me previously, so it was up to me to value myself enough to break free from my fear and choose a life of strength and courage instead. After all, it’s called self-worth and not others-worth for a reason.
A person will only put in the work to transform themselves if they think they are worthy of it. It doesn’t matter whether others think you are worth the effort or not, because ultimately, the only person’s opinion that matters is yours. Do YOU believe you are worthy of the effort to change?
Real Transformation Versus False Transformation
Everything I’ve said so far has set the foundation for understanding the difference between real transformation and false transformation. Real transformation occurs on the inside and naturally expresses to the outside, whereas false transformation is forced on the outside, but never fully aligns with the inside. It all comes down to the difference between forcing behaviors (false transformation) and becoming behaviors (real transformation). As previously mentioned, forcing is unsustainable and inauthentic whereas being is sustainable and real. Therefore, if you want to achieve lasting change in your life, you need to focus on becoming who you want to be on the INSIDE instead of trying to force inauthentic behavior on the OUTSIDE.
Are You Working on the Real Problem?
If you’re tired of trying to change and keep finding yourself always falling back into old habits, the truth is, it’s probably because you haven’t changed on the inside. You’re probably still trying to override the natural behaviors of your unchanged inner self.
If you really want to change, you’re going to have to change who you are on the inside. How will you know it's working and that you’ve started to change internally? You’ll know when your previous problems and behaviors start to go away and stay away. Instead of having an undesirable inner self producing undesirable outward behaviors, you will now be a transformed person producing transformed behaviors.
Put your work into yourself, not your problems. Choose to respect yourself, choose to love yourself, and watch your self-worth grow. Your behaviors have never been the problem; your relationship with yourself has always been. And in the same way that you’ve been the source of your problems, you can also become the solution to your problems. Don’t let denial or pride or blame or excuses keep you away from the transformation you desire; take responsibility for who you are right now and put the work into yourself to become who you want to be tomorrow. You are worth the effort, even if you can’t feel it or see it right now.
Engage with yourself in a newer, healthier way and watch your transformation unfold, because
Real, lasting transformation starts with how you treat yourself on the inside.
The Root Cause of People Pleasing
The root cause of people pleasing behavior is an emotionally unsafe childhood. Maybe self-expression wasn’t allowed. Maybe you were blamed for things that weren’t your fault. Maybe your parents or caregivers made you feel like you weren’t good enough, providing only conditional love in an effort to control you instead of accepting you the way you were. Whatever it was, all of these injuries damaged your self-image and filled you with toxic shame–the belief that your authentic self isn’t good, lovable, acceptable, worthy, or respectable as it is. And tragically, your natural response to this belief was to alter yourself in an attempt to gain safety, love, and approval instead of realizing that your caregivers failed to love you for who you are. Today, if you’re willing, you’re going to drop this shame and choose to love yourself as you are.
The Misery of Being a People Pleaser
People pleasers, also known as “nice guys or girls”, spend their whole lives wearing a mask to cover their true self. They constantly assess how to please everyone else except for themselves. Having spent the majority of my life as a people pleaser due to the toxic shame instilled in me by my narcissistic parents and Christianity, I can tell you that it ruins the quality of your life. Instead of living authentically, being who you are, doing what makes you happy, and taking good care of yourself, you do the exact opposite. The nice guy gives everyone else what they want in a desperate need to gain validation from those around him because he’s convinced that he’s unlovable and is unable to validate and love himself.
The Psychology Behind The People Pleaser
Because the people pleaser’s childhood caregivers convinced him that he wasn’t good enough, he has already rejected himself. He had no chance to avoid this internal shame because it happened so early in his development before he could think for himself. Because he isn’t able to validate himself, he desperately seeks to counteract his own self-rejection with validation from others. He subconsciously feels, “If I can get other people to love and accept me, then maybe I’m worthy of my own love and acceptance.” However, in this process, because he’s rejected his true self, he erects a false self to show others because he’s terrified that others might see his “awful” true self. So, he’s driven to create an idealized personality that no one could reject that pleases everybody. He becomes a chameleon and alters himself to match whoever he’s with at the moment. As a result, his mind becomes exhausted in social situations due to the unrelenting effort to optimize his act to receive the acceptance he craves from those around him.
The Confusion and Social Anxiety of the People Pleaser
After a while, reading people and presenting the ideal false self to please them starts to confuse the people pleaser. He begins to realize that he’s not really sure who he is anymore. Afterall, when you spend your whole life as a professional actor, acting starts to feel safer than authentic self-expression. Because you have no idea how the people in your life will react to your true self, the fear of being yourself increases over time. Eventually this fear develops into severe social anxiety. Furthermore, this fear from your social anxiety isn’t that people might reject you; it is the belief that people will reject you because you have already rejected yourself.
My Years of Failed Attempts at Healing From People Pleasing
So now that we understand what causes people pleasing, how do we heal this unfortunate condition? For years, I tried to be more authentic, to force the mask off and show my true self to everyone, and I could never sustain it. Before my recovery from people pleasing, I was a perpetual smiler, smiling at everyone even when it wasn’t necessary. For a while, I tried to force myself to not smile excessively and I just ended up feeling like an asshole whenever I withheld my smiles because I couldn’t tell the difference between an authentic smile and my mask. Because I couldn’t even tell which ones were real and which ones were false, I often mistakenly suppressed the real ones in an effort to get rid of the false ones! It was so aggravating and confusing for me. In my effort to express my true self more, I couldn’t even figure out which behaviors were genuine for me.
What Finally Began My Recovery From People Pleasing
So what eventually worked for me? Determining the origin of my toxic beliefs about myself. I had to examine the damaging beliefs I had about myself and realize that I didn’t choose them for myself. Instead, I had to become aware that these unhealthy core beliefs came from my narcissistic parents and their toxic Christian religion. I was told from an early age that I was an evil sinner–despicable from the day I was born–and that I needed someone to save me from a hell that I apparently deserved just because I dared to live. Also, I was constantly criticized for not being good enough because my parents were perfectionists. Furthermore, I was always wrong because my parents idolized themselves and blamed me for their mistakes because they were covert narcissists. My parents systematically rejected my true self because they wanted to manipulate me into a more pacified, controllable version of myself that they could use to feed their narcissistic egos. As a result, self-discovery and self-expression didn’t happen in my childhood like it should have; instead, I repressed my true self to survive and took on characteristics that weren’t my own to give my parents and their religion what they wanted from me. I also later realized that just like my parents, the god of Christianity himself was a narcissist too, blaming and punishing humanity for his faulty creation and convincing us that we’re the evil ones when it’s actually his intolerant, wrathful, blood-loving, and hell-creating self that is evil.
Rejecting the Brainwashing of My Childhood
Once I understood that I was brainwashed to believe that I was an unworthy, unlovable, terrible person, I rejected those beliefs. It made me angry to see how an innocent child like me was conditioned by my parents and their religion to despise myself. I started to think independently and reconsider all of the beliefs that had been forced into me during my vulnerable childhood. I asked myself, “Who am I? What matters to me? What do I want? Do my actions indicate that I am a good person or a bad person? Am I a lovable person? Am I worthy of anyone loving me? Is my judgement always wrong or have I just been the victim of narcissistic abuse?”
The Beginning of Self-Differentiation from My Parents
As I asked myself these questions, I noticed that my answers differed tremendously from the poisonous presumptions pressured into me as a child. I realized that I was a unique person, with values and beliefs very different from my parent’s. Truth and authenticity actually mattered to me instead of wishful thinking and hidden motives. I also wanted real connection, not the conditional love from my parents that required self-abandonment. Furthermore, my actions indicated that while I was a very hurt person, I was also a good person who valued moral reasoning over the mandates of a morally-devoid god. I also realized that I was a lovable person and that like everyone, some people would like my personality and some wouldn’t. I decided that I was worthy of love and that even if no one else would choose to love me, I would choose to love me. And lastly, I realized that my judgement was actually quite good, considering all of the years of hyper-awareness that I developed as a people pleaser in emotionally unsafe environments.
The Rise of My Anger and Self-Worth
My answers to these questions began a shift within me from insecurity to righteous anger. I began to realize that instead of being a bad emotion that should be suppressed, my anger was actually a self-protective instinct meant to shield me from those who would harm me or diminish my value. It was this very anger that began to rebuild my self-worth. Whenever anyone mistreated me, instead of justifying and minimizing their actions like I usually did, my anger would rise and motivate me to communicate with them to achieve resolution. My anger was advocating for me, revealing mistreatment from those around me so that I could hold them accountable. I started to understand that many of the aspects of myself that I had repressed due to the unhealthy emotional environment of my childhood, like my anger, were actually parts of me trying to help me.
Rebuilding Myself One Day at a Time
Over time, I slowly began to integrate all of myself into my life, including the parts of me that didn’t always please those around me. I began to be myself a little bit more every day, exposing myself to my fear of rejection while also reminding myself of the truth of who I am and my worthiness as a person. As I overcame these fears one by one, I began to realize that these fears were nothing but illusions coming from the awful core beliefs about myself from my unfortunate childhood. My confidence started to build, not the type one gets externally from others, but instead the type that comes internally from oneself known as self-confidence.I also began to view myself in a much better light, raising my self-esteem. And, most importantly, I chose to love myself in a way that no one ever had, developing self-love.
Overcoming My Fear of Rejection
While many of these realizations have been immediate on the conscious level of my mind, it has taken time for these beliefs to shift on a deeper subconscious and emotional level for me. As I’ve recovered from my previously poor self-image, I’ve grown in empowerment and self-respect over time. I used to be afraid of significant shifts in my behavior being seen by people who’ve known me for a long time, feeling like if I ever revealed my true self, I would have to do it around new people. I began to realize that I had been rejecting myself every time I thought like this, diminishing and hiding myself from the people in my life just to make them comfortable and avoid triggering my own shame. I began to think, “What about me? What about my self-expression? What about my comfort? What about what I want?!” As a result of questions like these, I started to gradually reveal my true self to the people around me and as expected, some people liked me and some people didn’t, but that was okay with me because I liked me.
The Results of My Healing and Transformation
As I write this, I have transformed significantly from being mostly an externally-validated people pleaser to mostly being an internally-validated authentic man. I’ve let people go who weren’t good for me instead of trying to keep pleasing them. I’ve held people accountable who love me, but have been neglecting or disrespecting me. I’ve also held myself accountable for not being the man I want to be. The end result is that I’ve chosen to leave almost all of the relationships in my life because most of them were dependent upon my deprivation, tolerance, inauthenticity, and self-sacrifice. I’ve realized that it’s better to be alone in authenticity and love yourself than to surround yourself with people who don’t love or respect you the way you deserve. It’s this shift toward providing love for myself that has enabled me to leave these unhealthy relationships behind and begin a new relationship with myself, one with self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem. Relationships with others are less essential for me now because I provide for myself what I previously sought in the validation of others. Now I no longer try to make incompatible relationships work by altering or diminishing myself. I no longer try to see the best in people out of hopes that they will do the same for me. Instead, I try to see people for who they actually are based upon their actions and if they’re not good for me, they’re out of my life. The people who give me the respect I deserve and who celebrate me for who I am–those are the people who remain in my life. However, I am done with diminishing myself to make those who reject my true self accept a false version of me.
I’ve finally found the contentment with myself I’ve always wanted. I’ve finally found the love and acceptance I’ve desperately sought my whole life. I’m no longer a people pleaser because I’ve found love and acceptance where I least expected it–from myself.
Looking for Love in the Right Place
If you’re a people pleaser and you’re looking for love and acceptance, stop looking for it in the wrong places like others and religion. Instead, start looking for love in the one place that it really matters–from yourself. You don’t need to feel love for yourself to give it to yourself. You just need to choose to love yourself, for it is this choice that will begin your healing journey. Love yourself the way you’ve always wanted to be loved! It’s time for you to switch from being a people pleaser to a self pleaser. The world will benefit far more from your authenticity and self-expression than it ever did from your false self and fearful mask. It’s time for you to give yourself and the world the real version of yourself!
Final Thoughts
Will you choose to love yourself? Will you choose to become the validation for yourself that you’ve always painfully sought in others? Will you choose to stop avoiding rejection so that you can gain something far greater for yourself–your own joy, authentic expression, and happiness? Will…you…choose…YOU?
“It’s better to be who you are and be loved by some and rejected by others than it is to be someone who you are not and never be loved for who you actually are.”