If You’re Suicidal, Just STAY ALIVE

I sat on my bed in a dimly lit room with a loaded pistol resting beside me.

“Is today the day that my suffering is going to end? Is today the day that I’ve finally had enough?”, I thought.

I felt intense emotional pain surge throughout my body, contracting my muscles wherever it went. Depression inundated my demeanor and sadness made my posture sag. I then felt intense anger flood through me with a desire to grab the gun and punish myself for my inability to escape this misery. Just one moment of self-hatred, just one moment of raging impulse and it could all be over! I nearly grabbed the gun right there and sent a 124 grain 9mm Speer Gold Dot hollowpoint at 1250 feet per second into the temporal lobe of my head. It was that close. My anger toward myself for being unable to thrive and my distorted sense of self-mercy almost ended my life that day. I wasn’t afraid to do it either; in fact, I was never afraid to kill myself, yet, something always stopped me.

What was it? Hope. I knew that if I could survive just one more day, there was a chance that I might find healing in the future. While I knew that I might not ever thrive again, as long as I stayed alive, I knew that there was hope. I also realized that what I really wanted was to live without so much pain and suffering and that I couldn’t do that if I was DEAD. At the time, suicide felt like bestowing a form of mercy (and punishment) upon myself, but it would have actually ended the opportunity for me to find healing from my afflictions. I didn’t crave non-existence, which would have been the end result of pulling that trigger, but instead a peaceful existence. And now, twelve years later, I have finally found that peaceful existence, the healing that I had always hoped for all of those painful years.

If you are on the verge right now, realize that what you want isn’t oblivion and annihilation. What you actually want is peace and joy, and you can only obtain that if you stay alive long enough to find it. I know that you’re suffering and feeling immense pain right now, but death isn’t the answer; compassion upon yourself in the form of choosing to live and take better care of yourself IS. 

You don’t need to end the pain right now. You probably couldn’t even if you tried. What you can do is end your suffering by no longer resisting your pain. Let yourself feel the pain. Observe where it is present in your body and notice what it feels like. Once you’ve located the pain, choose to accept it and allow it to be. It won’t be there forever, but as long as it is with you, you must only feel the pain instead of adding additional suffering to it. 

Suffering is an unwillingness to feel pain and is actually far more painful than the pain itself. While humans have incredible pain tolerances, they also have poor suffering tolerances in my observation. Pain isn’t a choice; it’s an unavoidable aspect of life. However, suffering IS a choice and therefore it is within your power to end your suffering now, not by killing yourself, but by choosing to accept your pain and allow it to be. 

Choose to be okay with how you feel right now. Choose to embrace your life as it is without the need to change anything immediately. I know this is hard to do initially, but trust me, after my lifetime of suffering, I’m telling you that it is so much harder and infinitely more painful to resist your pain than it is to accept it. Acceptance is where you will find peace and healing for yourself. I’m not promising fast results. I’m not promising the end of your pain. But you can end your suffering today by continually choosing acceptance in every moment and allowing your pain to exist as it is.

Just remember,you will never find the peace and healing you crave if you end your life today. Now is not the time to worry about thriving and being pain-free. Those things can come later. Right now, just focus on accepting your pain and staying alive. I made it through to the other side and YOU CAN TOO. It won’t always be easy, but trust me, it will be worth it. Progress might feel impossible right now, but if you keep moving forward, there is always hope that things can eventually change and gradually get better. At this point in your life, just staying alive is a form of progress. Just know that you won’t always feel and be this way. You might not be able to handle much right now, but with time you will have the opportunity for healing, and with healing you have the opportunity to thrive once again. But for now,

Just stay alive…

Why It Is Okay to Be a Lone Wolf

I’ve spent most of my life feeling different from other people. While most people value companionship highly, I’ve always found myself enjoying solitude over socialization instead. While I still have social needs, I rarely feel like being around anybody and even when I do, I usually find those interactions unsatisfying and exhausting. As I’ve grown in self-acceptance, I’ve also noticed that the desperate need I previously possessed for others to validate me has been replaced with increasing indifference and acceptance of the fact that I like being alone. Therefore, my preference for solitude as a lone wolf as well as my diminishing need for social acceptance has made me question if high levels of socialization are really as beneficial for all of us as many would claim. In my own experience and observations, I have found that less socialization is actually better for me as a lone wolf. 

The Consequences of Too Much Socialization for the Lone Wolf

While this obviously doesn’t apply to everyone, those of us who are closer on the spectrum to introversion would do well to disregard the traditional extroversion bias we often encounter and instead discover what works best for us. I have grown up in a country (USA) where lone wolves are shamed for being who they are and are pressured into being more social. However, in my experience, this makes me miserable. Too much socialization exhausts my energy, stifles my creativity, and overstimulates my highly sensitive nervous system. Lone wolves like myself don’t need other people surrounding us to feel good; instead, we actually need significant amounts of time alone to feel good! It’s sad that so many people in my life have seen this attribute as some type of mental illness or social defect when it isn’t. Therefore, if you know someone who prefers lots of time alone, don’t criticize them for it; instead, understand that for them, time alone makes them feel the same way as being around people makes you feel.

Socialization Isn’t as Important for Lone Wolves

I know it might be hard to believe, but lone wolves find joy, fulfillment, and happiness in solitude that many people only find in the company of others. While I sometimes enjoy the company of others if I’m willing to drag myself into it, I rarely experience the satisfaction I observe others feeling in similar situations. When I was younger, I did enjoy receiving validation from others because I wasn’t able to validate myself at the time; however, I still didn’t really enjoy socialization that much for its own sake either. As I’ve gotten older, healed my childhood wounds, and increased my self-esteem, I’ve found myself no longer needing as much from my social interactions with other people anymore. When I do connect with others, I’m not looking for validation, but instead sharing interesting conversations or life experiences. These connections now fall into the category of life enrichment for me instead of desperate need.

Optimal Social Interaction Is Better Than More Social Interaction

In my observations, I’ve noticed that every person has their own optimal level of social interaction. The more social a person is, the more important higher levels of socialization are to their wellbeing; however, the less social a person is, the more important solitude is to their wellbeing. Therefore, wherever you are on the social spectrum determines what’s best for you. 

The Pressure to Socialize More Only Hurts Lone Wolves

I’m often frustrated by how so many people, including psychologists, pressure solitude-preferring people like me to socialize more and treat everyone as if we’re all the same. It’s like they think that more socialization is always better. However, they could not be further from the truth! My fellow lone wolves, you and I both know we’ve all tried this. We get goaded into attending social functions and being around people more and do we feel better? No! We get exhausted, feel disconnected from our joy and creativity, and take days to recover! Yet somehow this excessive socialization is supposed to be good for us?! I don’t think so. Instead, when we minimize social engagements and engage with ourselves–thinking, creating, and reflecting alone–we bloom into people full of energy, enthusiasm, creative ambition, and fullness of life! Therefore, a person’s wellbeing should be judged not by some arbitrary psycho-social average, but instead by what makes a person thrive.

It is Okay to Be a Lone Wolf!

If you are a lone wolf and prefer solitude over socialization, don’t let others tell you that something is wrong with you and that you need to be more like them. That is just their ignorance of psychology and insecurity about their emotional dependence on people being challenged by your alternative lifestyle and emotional independence.

Lone Wolves Have Different Needs

If you are a very social person, try to understand that everyone’s needs and preferences are different. Just like it would be unhealthy for you to be socially isolated, it would also be very unhealthy for a lone wolf to be oversocialized. Therefore, no one needs to change anyone. Let’s just accept our differences and appreciate the value that comes from each of us.

Take the Alone Time You Need

For my lone wolves and introverts out there, give yourself permission to disappoint people and take more time to enjoy the solitude you need. You deserve to live a life that is healthy for you just like highly social people do. Why is it okay for them to get what they need and be around people all the time, but for you, it’s unacceptable to get what you need and spend more time alone? 

Conclusion

It’s time that we live in alignment with who we are and set boundaries with others to ensure that we get the time alone we need to thrive. After all, isn’t that what makes us lone wolves? We thrive alone.