If You’re Suicidal, Just STAY ALIVE

I sat on my bed in a dimly lit room with a loaded pistol resting beside me.

“Is today the day that my suffering is going to end? Is today the day that I’ve finally had enough?”, I thought.

I felt intense emotional pain surge throughout my body, contracting my muscles wherever it went. Depression inundated my demeanor and sadness made my posture sag. I then felt intense anger flood through me with a desire to grab the gun and punish myself for my inability to escape this misery. Just one moment of self-hatred, just one moment of raging impulse and it could all be over! I nearly grabbed the gun right there and sent a 124 grain 9mm Speer Gold Dot hollowpoint at 1250 feet per second into the temporal lobe of my head. It was that close. My anger toward myself for being unable to thrive and my distorted sense of self-mercy almost ended my life that day. I wasn’t afraid to do it either; in fact, I was never afraid to kill myself, yet, something always stopped me.

What was it? Hope. I knew that if I could survive just one more day, there was a chance that I might find healing in the future. While I knew that I might not ever thrive again, as long as I stayed alive, I knew that there was hope. I also realized that what I really wanted was to live without so much pain and suffering and that I couldn’t do that if I was DEAD. At the time, suicide felt like bestowing a form of mercy (and punishment) upon myself, but it would have actually ended the opportunity for me to find healing from my afflictions. I didn’t crave non-existence, which would have been the end result of pulling that trigger, but instead a peaceful existence. And now, twelve years later, I have finally found that peaceful existence, the healing that I had always hoped for all of those painful years.

If you are on the verge right now, realize that what you want isn’t oblivion and annihilation. What you actually want is peace and joy, and you can only obtain that if you stay alive long enough to find it. I know that you’re suffering and feeling immense pain right now, but death isn’t the answer; compassion upon yourself in the form of choosing to live and take better care of yourself IS. 

You don’t need to end the pain right now. You probably couldn’t even if you tried. What you can do is end your suffering by no longer resisting your pain. Let yourself feel the pain. Observe where it is present in your body and notice what it feels like. Once you’ve located the pain, choose to accept it and allow it to be. It won’t be there forever, but as long as it is with you, you must only feel the pain instead of adding additional suffering to it. 

Suffering is an unwillingness to feel pain and is actually far more painful than the pain itself. While humans have incredible pain tolerances, they also have poor suffering tolerances in my observation. Pain isn’t a choice; it’s an unavoidable aspect of life. However, suffering IS a choice and therefore it is within your power to end your suffering now, not by killing yourself, but by choosing to accept your pain and allow it to be. 

Choose to be okay with how you feel right now. Choose to embrace your life as it is without the need to change anything immediately. I know this is hard to do initially, but trust me, after my lifetime of suffering, I’m telling you that it is so much harder and infinitely more painful to resist your pain than it is to accept it. Acceptance is where you will find peace and healing for yourself. I’m not promising fast results. I’m not promising the end of your pain. But you can end your suffering today by continually choosing acceptance in every moment and allowing your pain to exist as it is.

Just remember,you will never find the peace and healing you crave if you end your life today. Now is not the time to worry about thriving and being pain-free. Those things can come later. Right now, just focus on accepting your pain and staying alive. I made it through to the other side and YOU CAN TOO. It won’t always be easy, but trust me, it will be worth it. Progress might feel impossible right now, but if you keep moving forward, there is always hope that things can eventually change and gradually get better. At this point in your life, just staying alive is a form of progress. Just know that you won’t always feel and be this way. You might not be able to handle much right now, but with time you will have the opportunity for healing, and with healing you have the opportunity to thrive once again. But for now,

Just stay alive…