If You’re Suicidal, Just STAY ALIVE
I sat on my bed in a dimly lit room with a loaded pistol resting beside me.
“Is today the day that my suffering is going to end? Is today the day that I’ve finally had enough?”, I thought.
I felt intense emotional pain surge throughout my body, contracting my muscles wherever it went. Depression inundated my demeanor and sadness made my posture sag. I then felt intense anger flood through me with a desire to grab the gun and punish myself for my inability to escape this misery. Just one moment of self-hatred, just one moment of raging impulse and it could all be over! I nearly grabbed the gun right there and sent a 124 grain 9mm Speer Gold Dot hollowpoint at 1250 feet per second into the temporal lobe of my head. It was that close. My anger toward myself for being unable to thrive and my distorted sense of self-mercy almost ended my life that day. I wasn’t afraid to do it either; in fact, I was never afraid to kill myself, yet, something always stopped me.
What was it? Hope. I knew that if I could survive just one more day, there was a chance that I might find healing in the future. While I knew that I might not ever thrive again, as long as I stayed alive, I knew that there was hope. I also realized that what I really wanted was to live without so much pain and suffering and that I couldn’t do that if I was DEAD. At the time, suicide felt like bestowing a form of mercy (and punishment) upon myself, but it would have actually ended the opportunity for me to find healing from my afflictions. I didn’t crave non-existence, which would have been the end result of pulling that trigger, but instead a peaceful existence. And now, twelve years later, I have finally found that peaceful existence, the healing that I had always hoped for all of those painful years.
If you are on the verge right now, realize that what you want isn’t oblivion and annihilation. What you actually want is peace and joy, and you can only obtain that if you stay alive long enough to find it. I know that you’re suffering and feeling immense pain right now, but death isn’t the answer; compassion upon yourself in the form of choosing to live and take better care of yourself IS.
You don’t need to end the pain right now. You probably couldn’t even if you tried. What you can do is end your suffering by no longer resisting your pain. Let yourself feel the pain. Observe where it is present in your body and notice what it feels like. Once you’ve located the pain, choose to accept it and allow it to be. It won’t be there forever, but as long as it is with you, you must only feel the pain instead of adding additional suffering to it.
Suffering is an unwillingness to feel pain and is actually far more painful than the pain itself. While humans have incredible pain tolerances, they also have poor suffering tolerances in my observation. Pain isn’t a choice; it’s an unavoidable aspect of life. However, suffering IS a choice and therefore it is within your power to end your suffering now, not by killing yourself, but by choosing to accept your pain and allow it to be.
Choose to be okay with how you feel right now. Choose to embrace your life as it is without the need to change anything immediately. I know this is hard to do initially, but trust me, after my lifetime of suffering, I’m telling you that it is so much harder and infinitely more painful to resist your pain than it is to accept it. Acceptance is where you will find peace and healing for yourself. I’m not promising fast results. I’m not promising the end of your pain. But you can end your suffering today by continually choosing acceptance in every moment and allowing your pain to exist as it is.
Just remember,you will never find the peace and healing you crave if you end your life today. Now is not the time to worry about thriving and being pain-free. Those things can come later. Right now, just focus on accepting your pain and staying alive. I made it through to the other side and YOU CAN TOO. It won’t always be easy, but trust me, it will be worth it. Progress might feel impossible right now, but if you keep moving forward, there is always hope that things can eventually change and gradually get better. At this point in your life, just staying alive is a form of progress. Just know that you won’t always feel and be this way. You might not be able to handle much right now, but with time you will have the opportunity for healing, and with healing you have the opportunity to thrive once again. But for now,
Just stay alive…
Surviving Mental Illness as an Atheist
As someone who has lived with mental illness most of my life, I have experienced anxiety, depression, irritability, and more as both a Christian previously and now as an agnostic atheist. While the struggle has always been there regardless of my perspective at the time, there have been several key differences between surviving mental illness as an atheist versus as a theist. Both can survive, and proponents of each will likely continue to argue that their position is better for surviving hardship. However, having experienced both sides, I am in a unique position to be able to share how the atheist position offers several key advantages while navigating the difficulties of the mind.
1—Atheists Pursue Healing Instead of Fighting Demons That Aren’t There
When I was a Christian, I honestly thought that my struggle to get out of bed in the morning and overcome my anxiety and depression was caused by demonic attack, spiritual oppression, or a lack of faith in God. Instead of figuring out what I needed to heal my mind or my body, I wasted valuable time praying for help and assuming that I had a spiritual problem instead of a psychological or medical problem. Once I willingly discarded my faith in Christianity, I began to look for actual solutions instead of continually seeking the failing intervention of the divine.
2—Atheists Listen to Their Intuition Instead of Unanswered Prayers
As mentioned above, because I thought I was under spiritual attack by demons and other “dark entities”, I wasted years praying to God for help. Because I never received any help or relief, I thought that God either wanted me to suffer for some inexplicable reason “for his will” or that I was somehow at fault–gaslighting myself as religion often does. I could never understand why being crushed by depression to the point of complete social isolation would do anything for advancing God’s kingdom. It just seemed like a needless waste of my life, and it was. When I became an atheist, however, rather than seeking God’s help through prayer, I began asking myself what I needed to heal and I actually started getting real answers! As a result of this, I can confidently conclude that my deconversion from Christianity was the beginning of my healing process from mental illness. Because I started trusting my intuition and allowing it to guide me toward doing what I needed to do to heal–instead of waiting for unanswered prayers–I started getting the help I actually needed, both from myself and others. This transition from prayer to self-trust marked the beginning of tremendous healing in my life.
3—Atheists Trust Themselves Instead of Feeling Abandoned by Gods
In the process of desperately praying for God’s help for years, I began to feel abandoned by him. I could no longer ignore the fact that I had never heard his voice or witnessed any notable answers from him to my prayers. Instead, I was actually getting worse. Why? Because I was trusting God instead of taking responsibility for healing myself. However, when I became an atheist, instead of feeling like God didn’t give a shit about me, I started giving a shit about me. I became what God could never be for me: someone real who I could trust. Someone who had my back. Someone who was present to love me. As an atheist, I began to trust myself and find my own inner advocacy and support so that I could begin the journey of healing my mental and emotional health.
4—Atheists Take Responsibility Instead of Waiting on God’s Intervention
Once I became an atheist and began to trust myself instead of waiting on God's help, I began to take personal responsibility for the challenges in my life. While I know that many of us have heard the whole Christian speech on “Trust God, but do your part” thing, you and I both know that is just an excuse for the fact that prayers go unanswered (or unheard) and that gods don’t intervene (or don’t exist at all).It was this realization–that God didn’t exist or was unwilling to help–that ignited personal responsibility in my life for my mental health problems. I started to understand that regardless of whether the supernatural existed or not, I was on my own and if I didn’t do anything, nothing was going to change. I realized that my healing journey was up to ME, not a god who didn’t exist or who didn’t care to help. I was never going to get better unless I took responsibility for my struggles and helped myself.
The Lies Theists Tell You About Surviving Mental Illness
If you’re an atheist in the middle of a crisis, whether that be mental illnesses or something else, don’t believe all the lies that theists will tell you about suffering, such as:
“Only through the power of God could I survive ______.”
“Without God and the support of my local church, I wouldn’t have made it.”
“It’s faith that got me through.”
And the list continues…
The problem with all of these self-depreciating assumptions that theists make is that the vast majority of them have never experienced hardship as an atheist. Even if they had gone through hardships previously as atheists before becoming theists, the fact that they negotiated those hardships and survived as atheists proves my point! The reality is that most theists underestimate their survival capacity because they believe that strength (or anything good really) can only come from their gods. They assume that they are feeble, frail, and foolish people who couldn't handle anything on their own without the support of their faith and their gods. See what I mean? How would any theist know if they could survive hardship as an atheist without actually being an atheist while going through their fires? By their same logic, atheists could easily claim that they wouldn’t have survived what they’ve been through if they had been religious.
Conclusion
The reality is that both atheists and theists can survive immense suffering. They can both claim that it was their life philosophy that got them through it, but the reality is that surviving mental illness has nothing to do with the religious or philosophical label by which one defines themselves. Sure, different perspectives have their own advantages and disadvantages in the realm of coping with hardship, but in my experience, having been on both sides, it doesn’t really matter. What actually matters is committing to living another day and accepting your pain. Acknowledging your struggle and asking for help. Realizing that it’s okay to feel bad and that you don’t need to force these uncomfortable feelings to go away immediately. Learning that emotional pain is both a sensation and a message from your subconscious, but that suffering is a choice. Taking better care of yourself instead of beating yourself up. Giving yourself permission to not be as happy or as successful as your peers right now. And, choosing to love and care for yourself in a way that your family probably never has.
Don’t let theists tell you that you're screwed without their gods if you’re navigating mental or emotional challenges in your life. The reality is that you’re probably better off. At least you can count on yourself instead of gods that never show up. At least you’re fighting to heal an actual condition instead of battling against evil superstitions. And most importantly, because you’re unencumbered by waiting for supernatural disappointment, you can start taking responsibility for your healing right now by trusting your intuition and getting the help you need.
You’ve got this. Afterall, isn’t that what theists and atheists share in common–our humanity? And given the fact that we are both able to survive hardships, maybe it’s never been gods getting us through it afterall? Instead,maybe it’s just been our humanity this whole time.Afterall, survival is what we do, because if we didn’t, there wouldn’t be 8 billion of us on this planet.
You are a survival machine that doesn't need an illusion to get you through this. You just need to show up for yourself. You need YOU.